Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
