Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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