Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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