im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
