I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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