in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
