Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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