im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
