Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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