just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
