I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Randomize
