If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
