ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Randomize
