My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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