I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
