there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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