I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
