I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
