I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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