my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
