so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
