why didn't you poke me back
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
