WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
