While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
