I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Who died my cat blue again?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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