I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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