her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
