You're earring is so big in my mouth
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
