so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Randomize
