Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
