so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
