What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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