If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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