Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
