I think I am morally bankrupt
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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