My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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