How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
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