Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
