I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
