No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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