Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We need to get me chipped asap
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
