Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
