Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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