Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
