ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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