saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize