broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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