Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
