the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
