bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
