Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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