Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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