Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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