I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
