He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
