sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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