Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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